Top 20 Superficial Reasons I've Broken Up With Someone
When I was young(er) and single, before I met my husband, I couldn’t maintain interest in a new guy for longer than it took Jell-O to set. I’d go on a few dates, think I was falling for the guy only to disregard him for a superficial reason. Of course at the time, these reasons didn't seem superficial and actually, looking back, I can kind of see that I was probably right. Here is a definitely incomplete list of those reasons:
1. Too passionate about bowling.
2. Once wore those crazy multi-colored MC Hammer pants.
3. Called me a “special lady.”
4. Was a member of a “smoked fish of the month club.”
5. Drank gin
6. Three words: puka shell necklace
7. Collected weird knick knacks that took up every available surface in his apartment.
8. Swished wine around in his glass before sipping it.
9. Drank canned soda through a straw.
10. Wore chapstick.
11. Libertarian
12. Owned every Tom Cruise movie.
13. Loved the Starship song, "We Built This City."
14. Used a "buy one entree get the second half off" coupon at a restaurant he took me to.
15. Favorite phrase? YUMMY!
16. Micropenis.
17. Actually told me that the Holocaust happened but was probably very exaggerated.
18. Referred to himself as "gifted."
19. Slept on a yoga mat on his floor because it was "better for his back."
20. Didn't care for Woody Allen.
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65 comments:
Dammit. Why did I have to out myself as "Woody Allen Apathetic" just days before I'm supposed to meet you?
Crap.
You're going to "lose" my number now, right?
Numbers 11 and 16 are not superficial at all, at least not in my book ;) They are damned good reasons to run the hell out!
I fail on the chapstick measure, but am clear on the rest. Except maybe the "gifted" one. And maybe I drink gin, but only with tonic. That coupon one is a killer. How embarrassing for him!
Actually, I think all of these except for #10 (guys need chapstick, too!) are perfectly acceptable reasons to break up with someone.
Seriously, what kind of man drinks soda out of a can through a straw?
You did the right thing.
It's just another Sunday in a tired old street
Police have got the choke hold, and we just lost the beat
Who counts the money underneath the bar
Who rides the wrecking ball into our guitars
Don't tell us you need us, 'cause we're the ship of fools
Looking for America, crawling through your schools
And THAT, Black Hockey Jesus, is why she dumped your ass.
uh...9 & 16 are immediate deal breakers!
Bwahahahaha!
Micropenis. I'd forgotten about Jake "The Inchworm" until now.
Bwahahahaha!
The weird knick knacks! That one got me once, too! :)
Damn. I kind of love "We Built This City."
However, my boner is huge.
I can't stop laughing at "Micropenis". I refer to it as "Hint of Penis". And what is wrong with gin? (slurred with a cigarette hanging off my lower lip)
#13 is a completely valid reason for dumping someone. Now I am going to be singing that damn song all night.
I feel bad for you having to actually go out with some of this people!!
I can relate to the micropenis one, and the buy one get another half off.
First case, he was sooooo hot and sexy... you can imagine my dissapointment...
Second one, this dirtbag took me to the most expensive bar for drinks, ordered one after the other and in the end I had to pay for most of it because he didn't have enough money for ONE of them.
And yet I only had one single margarita...
i agree with most of them... and i thought i was the only one who had a hang up on men using chapstick. and "6. Three words: puka shell necklace," i totally used this one before.
a mini-list of my own:
1. hairy feet.. as in a thick coat on the top of each foot.
2a. matched his polos to his flip flops. every day.
2b. wore flip flops every day.(winter included)
3. ellen degeneris look alike.
* Had television set to the sports channel, and watched it 24/7. No matter WHAT I did to distract him.
* Lived with his mother. Who plastered her face with an inch of pancake and fushia blusher. And wondered why I didn't.
* Who knew baroque musicians had groupie stalkers?
Met Mr. Right at the U of M Ballroom Dance Club, married him quick ... If something happens to him, I have a convent all picked out!
P.S. You mean you're NOT supposed to put chardonnay in the sippy cups?
For whatever reason, #13 just made me laugh.
"salt shaker" - my euphemism for the micropenis. came about while brunching with a friend the morning after and trying to find a visual. it worked.
Mine: He referred proudly to his "limited edition" car.
Ugh. I hate bragging about name brands. It's irrelevant and incredibly unattractive.
#2, #6, #13, #16 and #17 are all deal breakers without a doubt. I am quite sure I've dumped a #2..and God help me if I end up on a date with a #13 I would just die.
Hilarious!
I broke up with a dude because he didn't know the name of the street he lived on. It wasn't like he'd just moved or something - no, he'd lived there for years.
He was so pretty, though.
I was going to start listing all the reasons that I thought were perfectly valid, but I think the shorter list is one of those that I think actually ARE superficial.
So here goes: 1, 5, 8, and 19. That's it! For all the rest you were MORE than justified. Especially #7. And #9. And #14.
I'm a little embarrassed to admit that more than one of these apply to me. Guess that explains a few things.
LMAO! These are all perfectly good reasons, (except the chapstick one... if it's the Labello for men)! (I also think I've dated some of the same guys.) LMAO!
MC Hammer pants! LOL! And I'm curious about the knick-knacks! What kind of knick-knacks does a man buy?
So you went out with a porn star (#3) David Cassidy (#6) my sexually ambivalent hairdresser (#9) and Neal Boortz (#11)?
One word...uncircumsized.
I think those reasons are all appropriate. They were clearly symptoms of larger issues.
Buscuit fingers (on an otherwise fit guy). This actually happened more than once. You would think I'd check out the hands before accepting the dates.
Ditto to everything everyone has said! re: these knick knacks ...are we talking precious moments figurines? Gag me with a spoon! I once went on a blind date with a guy that looked like Meatloaf. And after our date, I kept thinking to myself how I would do anything for love but I just "won't do THAT".
Micropenises are NOT a superficial reason to break up with someone.
A week before I met Sweetie Pie, I was seeing this guy and when I slept with him for the first time, I couldn't even tell he was in.
A week later, I met Sweetie Pie and I came back from Texas saying that it wasn't just their horses who were hung.
Guess who I dumped immediately and who I married three years later.
Micro penis is reason to break up with anyone. Lets be real.
Oh wow! you were totally justified!
I can't believe that these all happened to you - what a string of bad luck.
:) Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/
I agree with so many of these it's scary. Actually I agree wiht ALL of them. Especially #12 and #14. Did someone really say #17 to you??? Good lord.....
A lot of people are sticking up for the guys wearing chapstick. Let me just say that it looks weird when they put it on - sort of like women putting on lipstick. I don't know, it bugs me. Sue me.
I've broken up with far more women for far less. I'm far too embarrassed to even list them. You're far braver than I am.
And I totally agree with you. Men putting on chapstick looks totally gay.
Those all sound like damn good reasons to me. But were these the reasons you sighted when you broke up?
You are so hilarious. Now I have that Starship song in my head.
I think every one of those things is most annoying. There would have to be some pretty serious redeeming factors for me to continue the deal after any of these offenses.
I thought you said these reasons were superficial...
This is great. I once stopped seeing a guy because I thought he had "old man" hands....... I was young....
These are all excellent reasons for ending a relationship. Some of them downright creep me out.
I was all "eew, eew, eew" until number 20.
omg...you just described my husband.
heh.
Just kidding.
My most dear superficial reason for dumping any guy immediately was "wears cologne". But, there was a goof (Freudian) reason. The only time my dad ever wore cologne was to go to funerals. So...you know...
Hahah!!!
1. wears berkinstocks (w/socks)!
2. kisses like a fish
3. cries because he is terrified of the nosebleed seats he bought at the opera
4. smells like garlic
#16 - NOT superficial!
One not on your list - too much body hair. (Picture 98% covered, and thick! Don't try to imagine the sweat!)
It was so great to get to meet you in person yesterday and again last night. Thanks for all of the migraine advice (glad you were feeling better)! And, thanks for the words of wisdom re the child's perspective.
You want to know what is really scary about reason number 14? I had the exact same thing happen to me, it was a second date. There wasn't a third
LOL...I'm dying here. Especially since I too broke up with a micropenis. Hee.
Btw - just finished Sippy Cups and LOVED it!
I agree with at least 15 of those reasons. You did the right thing.
Although now I'm thinking that if you didn't break up with these men, but serially married them, there would be so much wonderful blogging material.
Geez, I've dumped guys because they weren't libertarian ENOUGH.
but woody is such a creepy bastidge...
men who say "yummy" give me hives. GRR. also? men who say "tummy".
these are not words that grown men should use.
I broke up with someone, a fiancee, after the crying game - because I realized the IRA guy loved the little trannie more than I loved my fiancee.
And I told him that.
He started going out with strippers after we broke up......
This might be the best post idea ever.
GENIUS. I would call it a "yummy" post, but, uh, now I know better. Even though I'm a girl and might be able to pull it off.
Single till 35, and have used most of those reasons plus quite a few more!
However, my sister was dumped with the most stupid excuse. She did not wear make-up!
Ha. Love this. The Matron, when she was a Young Miss, actually STAYED with someone because of this.
Boyfriend: "Don't break up with me. LIsten, you know that I'm going to inherit 4 million dollars when I turn 28, right? I love you and will always take care of you. Marry me. Marry me! Just be with me and I'll take care of you forever. You don't have to sleep with me. Just don't break up with me."
Now, the 4 million dollar thing was absolutely hot damn true, and she knew it. So, brilliant young thing that she was, she said: "Okay."
That lasted about two weeks.
For a moment I thought all of these were describing the same person, and I wondered why you waited so long. Reading for comprehension is hard.
I once broke up with a guy because I couldn't stand to watch him eat breakfast. He was overall a nice guy, but at breakfast he mixed all the food into one giant gloppy mess, shoveled it in his mouth and talked with with mouth full. Yuck. I couldnt' bear it.
I don't see any issue with #5 or #8 but it all depends on how it was done.
#13 is a guilty pleasure of mine going back to when the band had the animated TV show with a spaceship and a peanut shaped robot.
#19 is ok, but not if he's ever hoping to get laid.
#20, however, is not superficial. This is indicative of serious character flaws.
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -woody allen
I read the second list first, and let me tell you, I felt a lot better about that one than this. I found it plausible that I could easily be guilty of a lot of these, or at the very least I understood people who are (one or two of them, not all-- don't worry).
So basically, this list made me fearful for my dating prospects if my wife ever gets totally fed up with me. The other list left me comfortable and reassured, laughing at "those jackasses".
Please print a retraction of this list as some kind of big misunderstanding, tomorrow or the next day, at the latest.
Thank you in advance,
Irritating in Illinois
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