I Feel Like I Got Hit By a Bus

I've been remiss on updating my blog. I don't know how that happens but days bleed into a week and weeks bleen into...well...a week and a half. You get the picture. I'm busy is what I'm saying. I've got a lot going on. For instance, on Friday I was hit by a bus. Ironically, I was on my way to see my shrink to tell him that I was over the idea of trying to get off my last 25 mg. of Zoloft. As someone really smart commented on my blog, "Why?" Why indeed. No real reason and so, I decided not to brave the side effects and remain on my piddly dose.

So I pulled up to the curb, turned off the ignitian, and opened my door arms length so I could grab my purse and get out when out of nowhere a MTA bus zipped by and basically removed my door from the frame of the car. Needless to say it scared the shit out of me and I sat there basically stunned for a few minutes thinking, "I have a feeling I'm still going to get charged for my appointment." The bus pulled over and passengers piled out onto the sidewalk either totally pissed off that they were missing their destination or excited that they'd just been involved in a collision.

I stumbled around on the sidewalk for a few minutes and halfheartedly picked up my Barenaked Ladies CD from a few yards down the block plus an Alligator Rocks CD which had flown out of the case and was scratched beyond recognition.

A half hour later, there were three cop cars, a bus superintendant and the driver of the bus assessing the situation. One of the officers asked me if I was hurt and I told him "Just my psyche."

"Your psyche?" he asked. "What's that?" Really? I'm guessing there's no vocabulary portion on the LAPD written exam. Then I tried to say "Please don't give me a breathalyzer" under my breath a few times to see if I would get a laugh, which I did not. I know, that's crazy right? Police officers not having a sense of humor? Next you're going to tell me the clerks at the DMV don't like to laugh, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

After all this, I had to get my car towed, call my insurance company, arrange a pick up from school for my daughter and reschedule my shrink appointment.

Oh life.

By the way, Heather and Mike Spohr happened to drive by in the middle of all this. They can vouche for all this craziness.

Tomorrow I will blog about being 6 months sober! And hopefully provide a photo of my minivan.

Happy Birthday Madeline

There was a little girl who had so many little curls...

She would have turned two today. Her name was Maddie.

I met Maddie's mom before I met Maddie. Heather came to hang out with me after work one day without Madeline so that we could talk and get to know each other.

The next time we met we both brought our tiny girls so we could compare and contrast. We sat at the Coffee Bean, holding our babies - then maybe 10 or 11 months -and eventually swapped so we could feel the weight in our arms of someone else's joy, worry, preemie, lightweight. The thing I noticed immediately about Maddie was her smile. It was so obvious what a happy little soul she was. Everyone says stuff like that about babies but I'm telling you, I was jealous! Maddie smiled a huge luminous grin constantly, her eyes huge blue and twinkling.

Heather and I exchanged tons of emails trying to figure out how to wade our way through doctors, food issues, early intervention, OT evals etc. and I've never seen a more enthusiastic or committed set of parents.

When it came to Maddie's first birthday, I was honored to be invited. Watching Maddie mow down her own special cake is one of my fondest memories of her. But seeing the love that Maddie's family bathed on her is something that stays with me always. Heather and Mike, beaming, Heather's proud parents glowed watching Maddie make the rounds to all her admirers. Uncle Kyle couldn't have looked more proud and more involved in his neice's life. NICU nurses, friends, Jackie!, sorority sisters, blogging buddies everything who ever met the Spohr's loved that baby girl.

When I found out that Maddie passed away so suddenly, I could only think that cliched thought, "That's not possible! She was so alive!" It still doesn't seem possible that she's gone. It will never seem possible that she's not safely snuggled in the Daddy Nook or in Heather's arms. And we will never ever stop missing her.

Happy Birthday, sweet little Madeline Alice Spohr.

Comments are closed here but I know that Heather and Mike (whose blog has an insanely beautiful post for her) will appreciate them on their sites. Also, please consider making a donation to Friends of Maddie (it's linked on my sidebar) to honor Maddie's day and if you are on Twitter, between 4 and 5 PCT tweet a message with the hashtag #maddie.

Lucky

Not to be all mushy but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the enormity that is how much I love my family. It's a pretty corny thing that one doesn't often share with anyone but other people who also can't get over how ridiculously fun it is to raise little human beings. Normally, I like to bitch about things. I feel that not only is complaining my God given right but it's also compelling and hilarious if done well. People who have problems but suck 'em up and say "can't complain" are boring if you ask me. Can't complain? Yes you can! Open your mouth! Try harder. Take a class. On the other hand, people who brag about how great their lives are are tedious and not well mannered in my opinion. No one gives a shit that you own a Coach bag, is all I'm saying.

But sometimes we all have to sling a little love around.

Up until I met my husband, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get married. I think I wanted to but I just didn't really see any guy wanting to spend the rest of his life with me - or even the next three months for that matter or I with them, really. I definitely wanted a partner in life, but I knew it had to be someone incredibly smart, incredibly funny and yet compassionate and sweet. In case you've never met a man before, that's an almost impossible standard. Most hilarious guys are also assholes with bad tempers and low self esteem -Dice Clay anyone? Then I met Jon. He does smack me around a little but only when I tell him I love the show Million Dollar Listing. Sometimes you have to pop someone in the mouth in the name of of good taste. He does it because he cares.

After I coaxed Jon into marrying me (you can read a lot more about that in my book - but it involved copious amounts of wine, yelling and numerous veiled threats)I wasn't sure I wanted a kid, let alone three and yet, right after getting married I got knocked up. Then after we tentatively decided to try for a second, I ended up with three. Was I horrified and stressed? Yes. Did I develop a candy and alcohol addiction? Mmm hmm. Did I bitch about it endlessly? Absolutely. It's my job. And I'm good at it.

But.

When Matilda stumbles over to me, snakes her arms around my neck and mumbles I love you in her toddler speak, I faint a little bit.

A somber look from Sadie followed by the word "EAT" is enough to make me practically swallow my tongue with glee.

Elby. In our bed. Curled up in "The Daddy Spot." Heart attack of happiness.

Jon, laying on the couch in his Lucky Jeans and blue t-shirt, trying to stay awake for all of Dr. Drew's Sex Addiction so we can talk about it. Heaven.

Do I know how lucky I am? Hellz yes.
By the way, this picture was taken by my BFF, my Kizzle, Dee Dee, Diana, Whore, at Bella G Photography. She's one of the many reasons besides my family I feel lucky. Actually, she is my family. Check out her website because she's going to be blowing up huge (no Diana, I'm not talking about your ass). If you live in LA and want to have pictures taken, contact her. She's uber talented.

Tiny Ladies Wear Cuter Clothes

A few days ago I was wandering the cosmetics section of my local CVS-I'm not bragging, just stating facts here, and I spotting an Asian woman who looked to be maybe 4' 11". Now, I'm not positive she was that short because I was too chicken to ask even though I really really wanted to know. I'm slightly obsessed with short people's heights because there's a good chance a full sized Sadie will only be 4'10or 4' 11" and I want to get a good picture of what that looks like. If it looks like that Asian woman it will be down right adorable. But then again, maybe the random short Asian woman was actually 5' ", in which case Sadie would be pretty darned small. I wish I could've found out how tall she was but there's just no way to ask someone for their height without seeming like a full on lunatic. You really have to divulge the back story and then you'd come off as even more crazy and rightfully so.
I've learned to keep my obsession to myself lest I end up in any verbal altercations or fist fights. Or more verbal altercations than usual.

I never really considered short people that much before I realized I might have one in my future. Sure, I love Randy Newman's song Short People and can't help but giggle when I hear it on the radio ever four years or so, but other than that, the topic rarely came up. Now, I notice short people all the time. Sort of like how years ago my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, told me that an ex-girlfriend of his didn't know what the word "sherpa" meant. I had no idea what it meant either and while I was mortified that maybe I was a complete dumbass I was also sort of pissed off that he was inadvertantly making me feel like a dumbass. So, in a rare humble moment, instead of calling him an asshole and wiping my hands of the whole sordid affair, I just admitted I didn't know what a sherpa was either and Jon kindly explained it to me. Of course, immediately after that, it seemed like I heard the word sherpa a million times a day and if someone were to tell me they'd never heard the word now, I'd think they were lying...or a dumbass (but I'd never say it to your face. So, my point is, maybe there are tiny 4' 11" ladies waltzing around the city on a constant basis and I've just been oblivious to it.

I'm wondering now if Sadie will have any special challenges in life besides finding a pair of jeans that don't drag on the ground or I guess finding a good tailor. Will she get teased for being short? Does anyone tease for that? I've never teased anyone for being short but then I very busy getting teased for having a big butt and a funny walk and not knowing the definition of a sherpa.

The excellent news is that Sadie eats like a teeny tiny wrestler now. She's been off the periactin for a few weeks (yes, Patricia. Sorry I didn't update you sooner)and is still sniffing around for her next meal like a true Taylor. She isn't gaining weight but she definitely isn't losing and that's pretty normal for an almost two-year-old. She's got plenty of time to merely smell food and go up a pants size when she's forty-three (hi perimenopause- I've been expecting you). Her little g-tube button has been sitting on her tummy lonely and unused for months. I want to take it out but the husband, doctor and nutritionist (the lovely Patricia) say that we should keep it in through flu season which I know intellectually is the right move but bloody hell I want to yank it out so bad! Of course I have the patience of a toddler so I'm always going to want things right now.

If the worst thing she has to deal with is people calling her Half Pint, she's going to be waaaay ahead of the game. But that's not going to stop me from checking out short people.

LaDainian Tomlinson and Uncle Mikey trick or treating.

Let's Play a Game

Games are an important part of a young child's development and if you're not playing lots of games with your child, chances are you're not a good parent. Trust me, I'm a really good judge. You might want to ask yourself why you refuse to put in the time. Are you selfish? Lazy? Just not that into it? Well, now that you've spent a few moments being really tough on yourself, maybe you're ready to try harder. Here are a few of my family's favorite games and I've included some instructions so you can try them for little to no expense on your wallet, but a high price on your sanity.

Baby-So-Soft! This fun game is for two players and requires only one entire bottle of baby oil (choose your favorite brand because you'll be smelling it for a week). After your child emerges from the tub, let them catch a glimpse of the baby oil. If they are anything like my child, they will want the baby oil in their hand so badly that any attempts to disuade them will be met with copious amounts of crying. Give in and let your kid have a little oil in their hand which they will then rub on their body, your body, your hair, the couch and the dog. Repeat 20 times or until you are all crying.

52 Thousand Pick-Up: Similar to the beloved card game only with toys and a lot more of them. Here's how it works: let your kids loose in a room that contains a lot of boxes of toys preferably toys that contain lots of small parts. The game really plays itself but the clean-up is a bitch.

What Am I Saying? Do you love a good guessing game? If so, this is for you. All you need is one child who is a little behind verbally but in addition is easily frustrated. Now get eye level with your child and let the game begin. Are they asking for jammies? Apple juice? The latest National Enquirer? God only knows but you can burn off a good hour trying to figure it out. P.S. if you're a speech therapist, that's cheating.

Oh My God Are You Choking??? Caution - this game should not be played if you are suffering from high blood pressure, panic disorder or a heart condition. OMGAYC is great at mealtime but can be played anywhere choking hazards exist. Leave your kids unattended for any amount of time - 10 seconds works equally as well as 10 minutes. When you return, there's a good chance your baby will be red in the face and have a suspicious lump in their cheek. This is a good time to shriek, "Are you choking? What do you have in your mouth? Show me what's in your mouth. Let me see that! Oh no, can you breathe?" If your baby is coughing or crying they're not "officially" choking so you may resume blogging, vacuuming (kidding), sleeping or watching Judge Judy until it's time to play again.

Sugar Olympics - The most simple of all the games we play: see how long your child can go without asking for a cookie, candy, muffin or other treat. Give yourself 5 good parenting points for every increment of five minutes. Once you hit 20 points, you're a better parent than I am. Also? Yogurt counts. Come on, it's all sugar!

Will It Flush? Fans of Letterman and Elmo alike will enjoy this plumbing challenge. Allow your child to gather a ton of objects of various shapes and sizes from around the house (if they can reach your underwear drawer, it's not off limits). Keep the bathroom door unlocked and then watch them throw one object at a time into the bowl and try to flush it down. If it goes down, they win. If it doesn't, the plumber wins. For more advanced play, let them throw all the objects in at the same time. This game is best played with all players naked.

Give Mama a Kiss See if your self esteem can withstand the beating that is your kid refusing to kiss you no matter how much you beg. Try asking as sweetly as possible and never show how much it hurts your feelings each time they pull away like you're suggesting they shove a toothpick in their gums rather than simply granting you a tiny peck on your cheek. After twenty minutes, if you haven't successfully talked your kid into kissing you, admit defeat and try again later otherwise you may need therapy. If your child refuses to kiss you but happily smootches your husband, your coffee cup and the couch with more passion than if it were Leonardo DiCaprio, you may want to ask yourself something, "Am I playing enough games with them?" And then go back to the beginning of this list.

Feel free to add your own game suggestions in the comments. I can always use the amusement. Unfortunately I had to add the word verification to my comments because I was getting spammed up the butt. I will take it off as soon as I can since I know how annoying it is.

Baby On Bored is Buying...

Here's a new thing I'm bringing out. It could be just this week or maybe it's permanent. I don't know because I'm flaky. But I'm calling it "Shit I've bought or liked recently"

1. Pieces of Happily Ever After - It's a novel and it should be a movie. It's beautiful. It's funny. It's deeply moving (I cried. Twice.) and it's got edge. Irene Zutell, the author, is a friend of mine and I went into reading it with slight trepidation because I always have that feeling like what if I don't like it? How will I tell my friend the truth? Well no worries there, I was completely taken aback by my love for this book. Seriously, I want to make out with it. Truth be told I'm still in a little post good book haze where moments and feelings come back to me while doing other things.

Remember when Julia Roberts met her fairy tale camera man, married him and lived happily ever after? Did you wonder what happened to Vera who was happily married to the guy before America's Sweetheart got her hooks in him? Did you cringe along with me when Julia was spotted wearing an A loe Vera shirt? Do you still want to key her car a little bit? This book gives you a glimpse into what Vera might have been feeling -if Vera was a sarcastic, funny, east coast transplant with compassion, stretch marks, porn filming neighbors, a five-year-old daughter and a mom with Alzheimers.

Irene keeps the story moving (which I like because who wants to hear a two page description of a lake?) but takes time to create great visuals like the over-the-top lawn extravaganzas done by her Christmas holiday loving neighbors. I got so swept into the story that I never wanted the book to end and now I have to wait for her to write another one. DAMMIT.

Lauren Wood - Love, Death & Customer Service - It's a CD. Kind of melodic pop, songwritery lady stuff. Did you see Pretty Woman? Remember the song "Fallen"? I loved that song. So one day I'm at my husband's boss's wedding and suddenly this cool looking woman with spiky red hair is introduced as a friend and songwriter. She proceeds to knock out Fallen and it totally made my year. I got my picture taken with her but the shot was sort of crappy so I won't put it up here. Anyway, this is her new CD and it's hawt!

The Shield -Season 7 - Buy it on DVD, order it from Netflix, steal it from your neighbor, just get it. Jon and I got highly addicted to previous seasons of the Shield but due to a malady called TWINS, we weren't able to watch the last season - until a week ago! We watched every night multiple episodes until it was done. All I can say is it's soooo good. Highly recommend.

This is what happens when Jon and I spend too much time catching up on season 7 (the final season) of the Shield.

My Baby She Wrote Me a Letter

Okay look, I realize my blog is becoming one big 12 step meeting. I see it, and yet I feel helpless to stop it. Before you know it I'm going to be ass deep in slogans telling all my readers "one day at a time" and "easy does it" and "turn that frown upside down!" well not that last one or you have my permission to kick me in the liver, dig a big hole in the ground and throw my blog in it. The thing is, I get a lot of emails from women asking me specific questions about quitting drinking and I haven't been able to answer each and every one (although I will -Do*ce take a memo). Parting with alcohol was simple and complicated. Simple because I knew without a doubt it had to be done. Complicated because I had no idea what it entailed. Now that I know a lot of work goes into it, would I do it again? Yes.

A lot of the letters I get from people tell me that they think they might have a drinking problem, they see themselves in my story but they don't think they can quit. I understand. Really I do. And the problem is there's no easy answer I can give. There isn't something quick and simple or a substitute that works as well or as quickly (at least in the short run) as wine. If there were, no one would turn into a big old drunk right? Why would I possibly drink enough to give myself a hangover if a cup of cocoa could make me feel all was right with the world?

If you are drinking a glass of wine or two a night and you don't want to give it up, you won't hear me tell you to. Why should you? Are you crazy? Are you just trying to be perfect? If I could drink a glass of wine or two a night I'd be right there with you offering a virtual toast. I can't.

If you're drinking a lot more than that but think you have the rest of your life together and it's not hurting anyone then maybe you're right. Or maybe you're rationalizing. I don't know but I do know that you probably aren't in the right mind frame to stop. I can say that, especially for women, it usually gets worse.

But maybe you're in a place where alcohol has begun to have a mind of its own, telling you it's okay to drink today when you clearly told yourself something completely different this very morning. Maybe you know that somewhere along the line you crossed over from happy, social drinker to lonely, unsocial drunk. Maybe you're forgetting things you said the night before even though you only had a couple of glasses. Possibly you believe you're stressed out and unhappy and drinking has become your hope. Your only salvation.

If you're reading this because you saw me on Dr. Oz and you think I understand you, I do. I get it. We're on the same page, amigo. You and me - we're simpatico. Remember what you saw up there on stage? Yeah, normal right? Not a bad person, not a falling down drunk. Not homeless (although I have been known to go more than five days without showering), able to meet deadlines and read stories to my kids. Able to be a loving wife and a school volunteer. I just didn't want to wait for my problem to get worse and you don't have to either.

Here's what I can offer you in advice: Ask for help. It's really tough to do this shit on your own -I'm not saying it can't be done but it's much harder. And chances are great that you've already tried on your own anyway. The thing about other people who fell down this rabbit hole is we are dying to help each other. It's what we thrive on. It's what keeps us sober. I can promise you that the people you will meet if you just reach out, are more often than not, normal, funny, happy people. Quitting will be tough at first because you're not used to it, sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. You will probably feel anxious and nervous and not quite like yourself. But, with help and support, you will start becoming more honest about how you feel, more honest about your need for support and you will realize that you're not alone. That will make all the difference.
Go online or call someone you know who doesn't drink and ask them how they did it. Or tell your OB/GYN or your husband or your best friend or even your damn manicurist. Okay, maybe not your manicurist -chances are they only speak Vietnamese anyway.

Or you can just wait until I write you back. But, seriously, there's no time like the present.